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em7butler
Dec 153 min read

Pet Bereavement

Not exactly canine massage or conditioning related so why write this post? Well I have just completed a CPD course on the subject and wanted to share some interesting points from it, but also because ever since losing my first dog, Max, 18 months ago I now appreciate the complex emotions that can be experienced when grieving for "just a pet." I remember feeling so alone in my grief, a little ashamed at the intensity of the grief that I was feeling and guilty for several reasons. I am hoping some of the points raised in this post may help anyone feeling this way or who may start to do so in the future.


So why is the grief that we feel for losing a pet so surprisingly intense?


  • Our pets are part of our family. They are often the ones that we spend most of our time with day to day. In some circumstances they may be the only ones that we spend time with. We talk to them, understand them, and share our homes and lives with them.

  • We are their main caregivers - especially those older pets. We are responsible for their physical and mental well-being and this is sometimes all encompassing. Understandably this leaves such a huge hole in our lives.

  • We become so in tune with our pets and they with us. The relationship and bond is formed through body language and sixth sense - pet and owner are able to pick up on the slightest change of mood in each other.


Anyone that owns and loves a pet doesn’t need to be told that a strong bond exists, but for those that like a bit of science, here it is…


  • Oxytocin is a hormone that when released helps create maternal bonding and trust.

  • It is common knowledge that human mothers and babies release oxytocin when sharing eye contact (among other activities)

  • Other species will also utilise oxytocin to foster this bond, for example rodent pups emit ultrasonic squeaks that release the oxytocin hormone in their mothers.

  • Therefore it is not always eye contact that is the primary conductor that will release Oxytocin. This is the case with dogs and wolves - eye contact is definitely not used for interspecies bonding.

  • However in a study completed by Takefumi Kikusui, a professor of Veterinary Medicine, Oxytocin levels in BOTH Humans AND their pet Dogs (regardless of gender) increased after 30 minutes of gazing into each other's eyes. More details of this study can be found at www.science.org/content/how-dogs-stole-our-hearts


This study showed that the bond between ourselves and our pets is real. Think of all the times we make eye contact with our dogs - when we talk to them, when we play with them, when we participate in any kind of training with them. So with a bond so strong it is not surprising that we grieve so intensely for our beloved pets.

 

  • We can feel alone in our grief. Unlike grieving for a human, there is no funeral for friends and family to come together, reminisce and help each other through. There are usually only a few people directly affected who may grieve at different rates, resulting in feelings of resentment. You may be the only person directly affected and therefore can feel isolated.

  • We may feel guilty, especially around the circumstances of how our beloved pet passed away. Although the choice to Euthanise is one undoubtedly made out of love, it can still leave us with feelings of guilt and residual feelings of wondering if we could have done better for our dear pet.

  • We may feel guilty because we are grieving more for our pet than for some humans.

  • We may wonder why we are not ‘feeling better’ or ‘getting over it’


What is important is that it is perfectly normal to experience all of these feelings. You have a right to feel them for as long as your body and mind need to. Grief is something that needs to be processed and that is a very personal journey. It is not something you just "get over". Please do not feel alone. Although nobody will feel the loss of your pet as intensely as you do, there are others who have felt similar about their dearly departed pet. If you have a friend that will not shy away from your grief but will let you talk, cry, remember, get angry, get sad, then reach out to them. There are also organisations who have volunteers, who honestly want to help, waiting to talk to you.



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